I trust in the Universe. I trust that all things are conspiring for my highest good.
I've been going through major trust issues with money lately. It's not the big stuff, like sending Niles' to private school, taking a family trip to Cape Verde next year, or even paying off my student loan. I have full faith that those will be taken care of. Where I struggle is with the everyday spending and the small stuff, like going out to dinner.
Last night I was trying to figure out the logic behind this contradiction. It makes no sense, though, so I had to change my approach for getting to the root of the issue. Where did this come from? What I realized, is that I've been living in a record that isn't mine. Not to put the parents on blast and not to associate my experience with blame, but our first teachers are our parents.
Our social programming, our beliefs, our trauma, etc. all have a foundation in our early environment. Our perspective on life, on money, on religion, on race, on everything, was shaped by who taught us and what they taught us to believe. Until we do the work, as adults, of identifying "what is me" and "what is them," and willingly release what was never ours to hold, we continue to live the lives of our parents or caregivers.
For me, when it comes to my attitude around money, I remembered that many of the conversations I overheard about money were conflicts on the small stuff: shopping, food, daily life. I didn't hear anything, good or bad, about the big stuff, which I would say we experienced a lot of, like vacations, year-round activities, cars, private school, college, etc. From my child's mind, those simply happened and were thus, easy. There was a record playing around the small stuff, however, that these things are harder. Simply because there were conversations about them, that meant they were more significant.
Ah ha moment, right? So here I am today and I have not a care or doubt in the world about how we'll pay for basically anything that costs over $10k, but that $120 we spent on Tuesday's dinner, sweating bullets. It's ridiculous! Their record (again, I'm not blaming, I'm identifying) has played out this way for me in my entire adult life. I complain about spending money on buying clothes. Tami and I used to have arguments about going to brunch. Who does that? But every trip we've taken, every major expense, every credit card bill we've accumulated and even our 2016 BMWx3 has..."happened," just like in childhood.
This isn't a brag either. I'm fortunate to know how powerful I am at manifesting the big stuff. Until last night, however, I did not know that this seed of manifestation as also be planted beside a dud. When we examine the programs we carry from our early environment, we have to recognize that light and darkness go hand-in-hand. We live in a world of duality. We can learn to see and keep gems, but take out the trash. My goal in all of this processing was to identify the wound and remove and heal the contradiction, so that I can elevate to the next level of prosperity consciousness, a huge part of which is trusting God/Spirit/Universe to handle it ALL.